fvckaround, findout

Getting out of your own way

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Last year I had a conversation with someone that exposed me, straight up.

I remember admitting to a friend I had met on the internet that I was not excited by my job anymore. I knew there was something else out there. I was inspired to go work at some ambitious startup, start my own thing…change the world!

He asked me what was stopping me from doing that. I responded with random excuses like needing the resume to be polished and getting a few cool side projects under the belt first. But ultimately, I did not know what I wanted to do next. And I felt this feeling as I answered him. So did he.

“Well then just quit your job and figure it out!” he said so plainly. Too plainly. I was like “Dude, I can’t just do that!” I rattled off several reasons as to why that was ridiculous - “I don’t have enough experience yet” and “maybe after a promotion”. The most pressing being “my brotha, I got bills to pay”. 

And let’s be honest, if some internet friend tells you to quit your job and you do it the same day, you’re kind of a nut case, right?

So I stuck around in my consulting job. But deep down I was a bit restless because I wasn’t sure if all those reasons I mentioned were real or if they were just a coverup for the fact that I was scared. Scared of quitting, figuring out diddly squat, and then looking like a jobless doofus.

I wrestled with that restlessness for a year, thinking that the solution to my problem was to figure out what to do next. I basically thought to myself “Once I know what I want to do with my life, then I can get this show on the road, baby”.

But overtime I began to realize, to my sadness, that there would be no epiphany moment. The idea that one day I would know exactly what it is that I want to do with my life was a fallacy. Anytime I thought I arrived at the vision, whether it be from reading a few articles or talking to a friend, it was a product of intentionally thinking it through… wanting to have an answer. The answer never felt right. And I realized that striving to answer the question of what I want to do was, in a majorly paradoxical way, impeding my ability to find it.

So after months of restlessness, I saved up some money and 3 months ago I moved back in with my parents to eliminate rent costs. Finally, 1 month ago, I did it. I quit my job.

I hit up my friend and I said “Hey! I did it, I quit my job. Thanks for the advice last year” And he was like “Yo, I said that?”

But yea, I quit my job, and I know what you are thinking…

Well, yea. I know it sounds a bit crazy and I have no idea what might happen with the economy.

But when it comes to economics, there is only one chart you need to know:

Roger Skaer @rogerskaer

Fuck Around and Find Out. Full Video.

Ok so that had nothing to do with Economics. But when I first saw this video it connected with me hard. There is something to it that is so truthful, it captures something indescribable. (Interestingly enough, my parents were not as impressed by this. Especially when I showed this to them in response to the question “What is your plan?”)

What this esteemed professor is trying to demonstrate is that by ‘fucking around’ you are able to ‘find out’. And if you want to ‘find out’ at the highest magnitude, you have to ‘fuck around’ at the highest magnitude. This relationship demonstrates how we get in the way of ourselves. The more we want for something to happen, the more we tend to interfere with things happening the way they are supposed to. By wanting to flow freely, we prevent ourselves from flowing freely. 

Finding out seems like what we all want, but if you look at the chart, it begs the question: what does it mean to ‘fuck around’? Well, I interpret it as just doing things for the heck of it, even if it doesn’t make full sense (easier said than done). Essentially: ‘fuck around’ means let go and see what happens. 

Please don’t close this tab yet lol. Ok, this relationship captures what I have been feeling about the concept of ‘chasing my dreams’. It is unlikely that ‘my dream’ exists as some finite point I can solve for. It is constantly evolving. The more I try to define it, the more I get in the way of it just playing out.

But, I am going to have to do things to let it play out…can’t just sit on my couch. I’m going to have to do things for the sake of doing them, not to get somewhere else. Why? Because when you are doing things just because, then you do them out of love…out of sheer interest. That’s fucking around at the highest magnitude.

Now I understand this may seem a bit abstract. “Doing things” is ambiguous. Let’s make it more concrete: ‘doing things’ equals creation. When we create, we force ourselves to get out of our own heads and we increase the potential of connecting with others. Creation can look like anything: poems, paintings, websites, apps, songs, essays, etc... The less expectations we have from what we create, the more genuinely we can create.

Thus, in this context, fucking around at the highest level is putting your creations out to the world with zero expectation on how it will be received or where it might get you.

I am sure you have some questions and I know this sounds idealistic. This is not meant to be grounded in logic. But let’s step away from theory and back into the real world.

Surely, I need to make money again. Eventually, I will. But when I quit in November I made it a point to establish that there are no expectations during the next 3 months, aside from creating stuff for other people that I find interesting...like this newsletter, for example. After that, I will take inventory of what I have been up to...and I bet it will make more sense which direction to shoot off in. And if it doesn’t, then at least I learned a few things and hopefully you learned something from this journey as well.

As mentioned, starting this newsletter is a part of this process: I plan to document what I am learning and what I am doing. It’s the ‘fuck around’ log - you’re just seeing what’s under the hood right now. I have no concrete plans or goals of where things should go with this platform, I just want to continue to write about what is interesting to me. If you have suggestions, I would love to hear them as well (DMs open).

In my eyes, you don’t need to quit your job to ‘fuck around’ (and I realize not everyone can or should for a variety of REAL reasons…I’m definitely lucky in this case). But if you are someone like me who is ready to dive into things or has been afraid to put stuff out for people to see in the past, let me know. We can support each other through this because it's always hardest when you start out.

When you truly embrace this mentality, it feels like you are walking in the dark - each step feels unfamiliar. But it will feel like you are wearing your own shoes instead of someone else’s. The possibilities of where you may end up increase tenfold.

At the very least, hopefully this inspires you to think differently about your next project, the next tweet you send, or even what your next insta post caption should be. There are a lot of things you ‘should’ be doing, but maybe next time you just lead with your instinct of what feels right in the moment, I bet there’s something special waiting on the other side.

Thanks for reading the first ever issue of the ff newsletter…if you still don’t know what the ff stands for I guess you will have to fuckaround and findout.

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P.S.

As I have started leaning into creation mode, I started trying standup. In the spirit of sharing things (and cuz you read this whole thing <3), here is a video of my most recent performance from last week to a group of friends in a parking garage haha (couldn’t perform at the open mic cuz I was late to sign up, show must go on though). This is my first time sharing standup publicly, hope you chuckle!

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